Scene 46

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT
Frau Knobloch and Angelique, locked in a jail cell, laugh together.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I thought JR was perfect man.

ANGELIQUE
Perfect.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He is very bad man.

ANGELIQUE
Very bad. Why we fight for this man?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We not need a man.

ANGELIQUE
Speak for yourself.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Men come und go.

ANGELIQUE
Now mostly they go.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
But I am always your sister.

ANGELIQUE
So you won’t call me Schlampe anymore?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Nobody is perfect. But we are sisters.

ANGELIQUE
Sisters.

Scene 45

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT
Frau Knobloch and Angelique are locked in a jail cell.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
This is all your fault.

ANGELIQUE
You did it.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(realization setting in)
JR call the police on me.

ANGELIQUE
Me too. I loved JR.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I wanted to have his baby.

ANGELIQUE
You are too old for that.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I wanted to try.

ANGELIQUE
Me too.
(pause)
I was always jealous of you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Me?

ANGELIQUE
You were the one who do everything right. I had bad grades. Don’t go to university. No husband. Never succeed.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I worked hard, gave up too much.

ANGELIQUE
You looked down on me.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
No. You were fun, prettier than me.

ANGELIQUE
True.

Frau Knobloch shoots Angelique an angry look.

ANGELIQUE
You marry Gustav Knobloch. Handsome, successful, great businessman.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Too good to be true.

ANGELIQUE
You did not invite me to the wedding. Not even tell me.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We married in secret. Nobody knew.

ANGELIQUE
You didn’t even tell me until after he died.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I was afraid.

ANGELIQUE
Of what?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Angelika, you were big Schlampe. Every time I introduced a boy, you took him from me.

ANGELIQUE
You had the best boys. But nobody was good enough for you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Everybody was good enough for you. You slept with every boyfriend I had, except Hans. Hans was good to me.

ANGELIQUE
I must tell you something about Hans and me.

Frau Knobloch shoots an angry look.

ANGELIQUE
Anyway, you got Gustav, the best man ever.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
But he die.

ANGELIQUE
Besides that, you always had it perfect.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Angelika, I had so much fear that I fail. I work hard at university, at job, just work. No seeing the world. Then Jutta come, no more chance for fun. Und alone, always alone. You think that easy? I am jealous of you.

ANGELIQUE
I wasted my life.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You always had fun, no matter how difficult the world. Big test in school, make study break, big party - celebrate test. Test go bad, celebrate bad grade. Fail school, party.

ANGELIQUE
But I failed.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I always did the right thing, but never enjoy nothing. My life is like boring third rate TV drama. Goes on and on, season after season. You live life fun. Und you win the Emmy, not me.

ANGELIQUE
But you have Jutta. I always wanted a daughter. Someone who needs me. Too late now. I traveled the world in drug-induced trance. I don’t get awards for that. I just smoked too many doobies.

Pause.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You have one now?

Angelique laughs, followed by Frau Knobloch.

Scene 44

INT. IZARRA’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT
Chris and Izarra lie in bed together. Izarra kisses Chris, but he hardly responds.

CHRIS
I can’t. Not yet.

Izarra rolls over and goes to sleep, disappointed. Chris’s cell phone rings. He answers, looks very concerned.

Scene 43

EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Jutta and Bob are suprized to find themselves on a blind date together.

BOB
Ms. Knobloch!

Jutta’s phone rings. Startled, she turns it off in a fury.

JUTTA
What are you doing?

BOB
The same thing you’re doing.

JUTTA
I didn’t know it was you.

BOB
How could I know?

JUTTA
That picture didn’t look like you.

BOB
Your military shot wasn’t any better. But totally hot.

JUTTA
Really? ... Stop that. If they found out at the office, I’d --

BOB
The office is closed.

JUTTA
It’s all over, isn’t it?

BOB
You’ll be back on your feet in no time.

JUTTA
I can’t. I just can’t anymore.

BOB
You’re strong. I know you.

JUTTA
(breaking down)
My life’s a disaster. I invested everything in that job. Now it’s just vanished in thin air. And Chris is gone.

BOB
Really?
(feigned sadness)
Oh, that’s terrible.

JUTTA
I miss the office. There’s something wrong with me.

BOB
No, I miss it too. I miss your incessant orders. Your insensitive badgering and complaining about minutia.

JUTTA
Stop trying to make me feel better.

BOB
I miss you.

JUTTA
You do take orders well. And apparently I like giving them.

BOB
Ruff!
Jutta throws Bob another biscuit, now intrigued.

JUTTA
I don’t even know if I want to do finance anymore.

BOB
You can’t change.

JUTTA
You‘re looking for a new job?

BOB
Nah. Got a family business.

JUTTA
Dog-walking service?

BOB
Land management.

JUTTA
Hired hands?

BOB
We own the land. Mostly the Southwest, Texas to California.

JUTTA
So why were you working for me?

BOB
My parents let me do anything. You can’t learn unless you’re confronted with your mistakes. I do well in a hostile environment where you get your head bit off at the slightest misstep. You’re really good at that.
Jutta’s phone rings. She turns it off without diverting her attention from Bob.

JUTTA
A businessman. And trainable. I like the sound of that.

Scene 42

EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Jutta’s Date enters wearing fake dog ears such that he is not readily identifiable. Jutta sees him, becomes horrified, throws on the hat and sunglasses. Her cell phone rings. She turns it off.

JUTTA’S DATE
Ruff!

JUTTA
(startled, then)
I’m going.

JUTTA’S DATE
Ruff ruff!

JUTTA
(startled again)
Do you speak words?

JUTTA’S DATE
Ruff!

JUTTA
(growing irritated)
In English!

JUTTA’S DATE
Ruff ruff!

JUTTA
Stop that!

Jutta throws a dog biscuit at him in anger. He grabs it and gobbles it up. Amused, Jutta throws him another. He gobbles it up, then sits up panting.

JUTTA
I’m outta’ here.

Jutta turns to leave. He whimpers, causing Jutta to stop.

JUTTA
Do any tricks?

JUTTA’S DATE
Ruff!

JUTTA
Roll over.

He complies.

JUTTA
Beg.

He does. Jutta throws him another biscuit, sits on bench.

JUTTA
There’s something to be said for a man of few words.

Panting, he crawls on all fours to Jutta and puts his head on her lap. Jutta pets him, knocking his dog ears off, revealing that it is Bob.

JUTTA
Bob? Bob!!!

Scene 41

EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Jutta approaches a park bench.

JUTTA
Tante Angelique? Angelique??? This is the bench.

Jutta notices something on the bench. There is a hat, dark sunglasses, a box of dog biscuits and a note. Jutta picks up the note and reads.

ANGELIQUE (V.O.)
Meet my friend Scruffy. Put on the hat and sunglasses and feed him dog biscuits.

Jutta throws the note down and sits on the bench in disgust. Her cell phone rings, startling her. She answers.

SPLIT SCREEN - JUTTA AND LONDON BUSINESSMAN

JUTTA
Angelique???

LONDON BUSINESSMAN
Jutta? It’s James from Chaswick and Times.

JUTTA
Oh James.

LONDON BUSINESSMAN
I heard you might be on the market after all.

JUTTA
Actually --

LONDON BUSINESSMAN
That position in London is still open.

JUTTA
(having trouble saying no)
I’m not ready for a move right now. My fiancee . . .

LONDON BUSINESSMAN
50% increase in salary.

JUTTA
. . . and I are having problems --

LONDON BUSINESSMAN
Generous housing package.

JUTTA
(increasingly interested)
Maybe getting married --

LONDON BUSINESSMAN
Guaranteed bonus of twice last year’s.

JUTTA
(wants the job)
I need a day to think about it.

LONDON BUSINESSMAN
I want you in the office a week from Monday.

INT. - GAY BAR - NIGHT
Absolute mayhem as the fire engulfs the bar, drag queens running in all directions.

Scene 40

INT. GAY BAR - NIGHT
Frau Knobloch and Angelique are already a bit drunk.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(to Bartender)
We need another drink.

BARTENDER
Better let those catch up with you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I want another!

BARTENDER
OK, one more, but then I gotta’ cut you off. Oh, looks like the show’s starting. JR’s up first.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
JR?

ANGELIQUE
JR?

Bartender serves two more drinks. Frau Knobloch and Angelique become increasingly drunk.
The theme song to “Dallas” starts to play. Frau Knobloch and Angelique have their own personal religious experiences when they hear it. JR, a striptease version of the character from “Dallas,” enters, poses, dances.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
JR!

ANGELIQUE
JR!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Shhhhhhhhh!

ANGELIQUE
Shhhhhhhhh!

Angelique waves to JR, eliciting an angry look from Frau Knobloch.
Frau Knobloch tries to catch JR’s eye by drinking her JR’s Special seductively and posing. Angelique tries to catch up by downing her drink and licking her lips. Frau Knobloch finishes her drink and pours ice into her cleavage.

ANGELIQUE
We play fair, right?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, OK. You too.

JR does a particularly sexy move. Angelique shrieks and runs for him. Frau Knobloch stops her. JR throws a small piece of clothing to the audience. Frau Knobloch runs for it, pushing several men out of the way.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I got it!!!

JR dances on the bar. Man in Drag Three tucks a bill into JR’s pants. Angelique hits him with her purse. Man in Drag Four starts feeling JR up. Frau Knobloch shoves him. In the meantime, Angelique climbs on the bar. Frau Knobloch becomes infuriated and climbs on the bar on JR’s other side.

BARTENDER
Hey, no customers on the bar!

Angelique starts touching JR, prompting Frau Knobloch to do the same. Angelique grabs JR’s arm. Frau Knobloch grabs his other arm. Angelique pulls JR towards her.

ANGELIQUE
He is mine!

Frau Knobloch pulls JR to her.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Mine!

JR
Security!

ANGELIQUE
Mine!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Mine!

JR
Security!

Bartender climbs on the bar and tries to stop Angelique, who accidentally backhands her in the face. Man in Drag Five tries to stop Frau Knobloch who wrestles with him, causes his wig to come off in her hand. She screams, then punches him.

JR
Security!!!

In the midst of their tug-a-war, they accidentally knock JR off the bar, and a candle falls over. JR is unconscious.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
JR?

ANGELIQUE
JR?

The curtains catch on fire from the candle.

Scene 39

INT. - GAY BAR - NIGHT
Bartender serves two drinks. Frau Knobloch downs the entire drink. Angelique, so as to not be shown up, downs hers too.

BARTENDER
Whoa whoa whoa!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I have another.

ANGELIQUE
Me too!

BARTENDER
They’re strong, you know.

ANGELIQUE
(flirting)
Not as strong as me.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We are German.

Bartender serves two more drinks. MAN IN DRAG ONE orders a drink next to Frau Knobloch.

MAN IN DRAG ONE
Oooh honey, you look great. And those look real.

Man in Drag One feels Frau Knobloch’s breasts.

MAN IN DRAG ONE
Hmmmmm ... Feel real too. You go girl!

Man in Drag One picks up his drink and walks away.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
What was that???

ANGELIQUE
Ami custom?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not like this custom.

ANGELIQUE
Are mine OK?

MAN IN DRAG TWO approaches the bar to order a drink.

MAN IN DRAG TWO
Your moomoo is fabulous. And how’d you get these to look so good?

Man in Drag Two reaches out to touch Frau Knobloch’s breasts. She slaps his hands away.

MAN IN DRAG TWO
Touchy!

Man in Drag Two turns away and orders a drink.

ANGELIQUE
You must be culturally understanding. When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You know what the Romans did?

ANGELIQUE
Yeah, and it’s time you did it too. You made her feel bad. Show cultural awareness. Do it!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(to Man in Drag Two)
OK, I am ready. You may touch them.

MAN IN DRAG TWO
You’re adorable.
(squeezes her breasts)
And those are hot. I didn’t get mine together so good. Give ‘em a squeeze.

Frau Knobloch looks to Angelique, upset. Angelique gestures insistently. Frau Knobloch gingerly squeezes Man in Drag Two’s breasts.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
They are a little hard.

MAN IN DRAG TWO
I was in a hurry, so I just tossed in a couple grapefruits. Do you think anyone will notice?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
No, no. They are very nice.

MAN IN DRAG TWO
You’re sweet.

Man in Drag Two picks up his drink and walks away.

ANGELIQUE
Good.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Very strange people in this country!

Scene 38

INT. - GAY BAR - NIGHT
Gay bar filled with drag queens. Rainbow flags, a sign “Drag Night at Dallas Bar” and many candles adorn. The BARTENDER is a very butch woman. Frau Knobloch and Angelique enter with great excitement, glammed up to the hilt, including wigs.

ANGELIQUE
So, this is JR’s place?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Be careful of the Amis - very superficial. Always say nice thing, but just want something.

ANGELIQUE
You remember our deal. We watch JR’s show, but we not talk with him. He choose.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, ja. But you too.

BARTENDER
Wow, you two really outdid yourselves. I would have sworn you were real women if it weren’t for all the glitz.
(to Angelique)
Only a drag queen would wear that much make-up.

ANGELIQUE
(to Frau Knobloch, proud)
He called me a queen.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You are so naive! Fooled by superficial compliment.
(to Bartender)
I am a queen too!

ANGELIQUE
(flirting with Bartender)
And where are all the men? You seem to be the only man here.

BARTENDER
Thanks. But actually I consider myself a boi, B-O-I, boi.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(to Angelique)
Why he think we know not how to spell?
(to Bartender)
I know that. B-O-I.

BARTENDER
So what are you girls drinking?

ANGELIQUE
Girls! I have a beer.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
No, no beer! You know what the Amis put in beer?

ANGELIQUE
Don’t tell me what to do!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
OK, have a beer.

BARTENDER
How about tonight’s special - JR’s Favorite?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja!

ANGELIQUE
Yes!

BARTENDER
Kinda’ like a Long Island Iced Tea.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Tea?

ANGELIQUE
Add schnapps to mine.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Mine too.

BARTENDER
You sure?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja!

ANGELIQUE
Yes!  . . .  The women here are not so attractive. Not much competition.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, but really ugly. I never see so hideous women.

ANGELIQUE
That one is so ugly, she look like a man.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Wait! What kind of place is this? Normal women are not so ugly  . . .  I think they are French.

Scene 37

EXT. OUTSIDE HOMELESS SHELTER 3 - DAY
Jutta collapses in exhaustion. A tear comes to her eye. Her cell phone rings. She answers.

JUTTA
Hello.

BANK OFFICER
Ms. Knobloch, because of the large amount of an ATM transaction, we need to confirm.

JUTTA
Chris.

BANK OFFICER
Thirty thousand dollars. Shall I process?

JUTTA
Yes, immediately.

Jutta hangs up, looks concerned. The phone beeps.

CLOSE ON CELL PHONE
“Emergency! Meet me at the park. Angelique.”

Scene 36

INT. HOMELESS SHELTER 1 - DAY
Jutta leaves the shelter, comments to Receptionist.

JUTTA
You don’t have the right one.

INT. RESTAURANT FOR RENT THREE - DAY
Chris and Izarra admire a sparse, yet clean space.

IZARRA
Good vibe.

CHRIS
It’s perfect.

REAL ESTATE AGENT
There’s already a bid. I can get you ahead if you can put down 30,000 cash today.

CHRIS
(to Izarra)
I’ll never find a place this good.

IZARRA
Where you gonna’ get 30,000?

Chris takes a bank card out of his wallet.

CHRIS
I could borrow it from Jutta.

IZARRA
You have her password?

CHRIS
Her birthday.

IZARRA
Every idiot knows you never use your birthday.

CHRIS
That’s why no-one would guess.

EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER 2 - DAY
Jutta runs into the shelter.

INT. RESTAURANT FOR RENT THREE - DAY

IZARRA
Don’t tie yourself to that woman with a loan.

CHRIS
Yeah, she’d never trust me again.

Izarra perks up. Chris places the bank card in his pocket.

CHRIS
I’d never get the rest of the financing anyway. Two banks already turned me down.

IZARRA
I do readings for a banker who focuses on small business loans.

CHRIS
Why would he give me a loan?

IZARRA
A conjunction of Mercury with Saturn will indicate he needs to invest in socially responsible gastronomy. He always follows my advice.

Izarra starts to massage Chris’s shoulders. She secretly removes the bank card from Chris’s pocket.

IZARRA
And I’ve got some money saved up. I’ll lend you the 30,000.

CHRIS
You’d support me like that?

IZARRA
I’d do anything for my partner.

CHRIS
Business partner?

IZARRA
Partner.

EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER 2 - DAY
Jutta runs out of the shelter.

CLOSE ON IZARRA HOLDING BANK CARD

IZARRA
May 7th.

Scene 35

INT. RESTAURANT FOR RENT TWO - DAY
Chris and Izarra are disgusted by another bad space.

IZARRA
Let’s give it a chance.

Chris and Izarra explore, make unsavory discoveries.

CHRIS
Live food could catch something.

IZARRA
Live?

CHRIS
Yeah. You know how veganism built on the vegetarian movement?

IZARRA
I could turn vegan.

CHRIS
Then came nude.

IZARRA
(becoming aroused)
Nude? I’m into that.

CHRIS
You know, raw?

IZARRA
Raw!

CHRIS
The raw or nude foods movement discovered the nutritional benefits of eating everything raw.

IZARRA
(more aroused)
That’s hot.

CHRIS
Never heating food to more than 104 degrees.

IZARRA
A hot, feverish body temperature.

CHRIS
The live foods movement takes it further, recognizing that live cultures like those in yogurt can exist in everything we eat.

IZARRA
Like a raw steak quivering on the cutting board awaiting your masculine hands to tenderize it.

Chris is confused by Izarra’s lack of understanding but is carried along in his excitement.

CHRIS
Refueling the body with a multitude of beneficial bacteria, which find their home deep within the bowel and aid in the digestion process.

IZARRA
Deep within the bowel.

CHRIS
You should try my live foods cheesecake.

IZARRA
(breaking from her building arousal)
Cheesecake? With no cheese? That’s not cheesecake.

CHRIS
It’s all about the proper use of nuts.

IZARRA
(back into arousal)
Nuts?

CHRIS
Cashews as a base. Macadamias for lightness and lift and brazil nuts for a little pungent kick.

IZARRA
Yes!

CHRIS
Then I use my hands to massage the dough, applying just enough strength so as not to bruise.

IZARRA
A little bruise never hurt anyone.

CHRIS
Add dates and figs, and stir harder and harder, increasing momentum.

IZARRA
Mmm hmmm. Mmm hmmm.

CHRIS
Lemon pulp.

IZARRA
Pulp!

CHRIS
Gently massage in coco butter.

IZARRA
(massaging herself)
Oh yeah.

Izarra moans continuously.

CHRIS
Stirring harder and harder, keeping aware of the consistency. Firmer and firmer, until finally you reach just the right point.

IZARRA
(reaching orgasm)
Oh yes, yes, God yes!!!

CHRIS
Are you OK?

Izarra lights a cigarette, still speechless.

CHRIS
You smoke?

IZARRA
Sorry. I’m just excited about this space.

Izarra throws the cigarette in toilet. The water in the toilet lights on fire.

Scene 34

EXT. RESTAURANT FOR RENT ONE - DAY
Chris and Izarra peer through the window trying to get a better look inside, while a REAL ESTATE AGENT opens the door.

CHRIS
Thanks for coming.

They enter.

INT. RESTAURANT FOR RENT ONE - DAY
The interior is in shambles. Slaughter equipment is strewn about. Izarra extends her hands to feel the aura.

IZARRA
Kinda’ cool. It has a red aura.

REAL ESTATE AGENT
It was an illegal slaughter house. Got caught when blood stopped up the drain and flowed in the street.

INT. HOMELESS SHELTER 1 - DAY
Jutta, exhausted and out of breath, approaches RECEPTIONIST.

JUTTA
I’m looking for a man.

RECEPTIONIST
Sweety, you can do better. These are homeless men.

Jutta storms past her.

Scene 33

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, OFFICE - DAY
Frau Knobloch is at the computer, working on Jutta's online dating profile.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(typing)
Strong German woman look for snuggly puppy dog. I do the spanking. You lick my boot.
(hits enter)
Wunderbar!

PING

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Oh.

PING ... PING, PING

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Oh!

PING, PING, PING ... leading to an avalanche of PING’s.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Jutta, hurry!!!

Jutta enters.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You are very popular.

JUTTA
I have to visit three homeless shelters.

Jutta shoos Frau Knobloch out. She approaches the computer to turn it off, then hesitates.

JUTTA
Hmmmmmm ...
(clicks mouse, reads)

SEXY MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Cuddly little doggy wants to make your every wish come true.

JUTTA
Sick!

Jutta begins to shut down the computer, hesitates, reads.

SEXY MALE VOICE (V.O.)
I’ve been a bad little puppy and need discipline.

JUTTA
Ewww!

Jutta begins to shut down the computer, hesitates. She clicks on the picture, likes what she sees, types a message.

JUTTA (V.O.)
So what are you hiding behind those enormous doggy ears?
(hits enter)
Must be some weirdo with an owner/pet complex.

PING

SEXY MALE VOICE (V.O.)
You know what they say about big ears.

Jutta gasps, then reads further.

SEXY MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Pure submission waiting to fulfill your every order.

JUTTA (V.O.)
(typing)
What if I’m too much for you? I’m told I’m very domineering.
(hits enter)
Oh, I can’t! I can’t!

PING

SEXY MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Play fetch with me in the park, and we’ll see. You bring the dog biscuits.

Jutta types with excitement, then stops. Frau Knobloch hides behind the door watching.

JUTTA
Chris.

She runs out the front door. Frau Knobloch approaches the computer and reads. She dials her cell phone.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Angelika? At the pet store? Buy dog biscuits.

Scene 32

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, OFFICE - DAY
We hear PING from the computer.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(reading new message on computer)
“Come lick my boot.”

ANGELIQUE
No, that is not for Jutta. Maybe we change the intro-line?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
OK. What do I write?

ANGELIQUE
“Woman of equality looking for cute puppy-dog to snuggle with.”

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Good.

Angelique accidentally stomps on the hamster ball, smashing it.

ANGELIQUE
Ewww.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I liked that hamster better than I like you.

ANGELIQUE
I wish I’d had my shoes on ... I go to the pet store.

Angelique exits.

Scene 31

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, OFFICE - DAY
The sound of a PING emanates from the computer.

ANGELIQUE
We have a mail!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(reading)
“Do you want to get spanked?” No!

ANGELIQUE
It’s not so bad.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, but I think Jutta like to do the spanking.

Angelique nods in agreement.

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - DAY
Jutta speaks on her cell phone.

JUTTA
What do you mean you don’t know any Chris? He’s the clean one ... relatively clean.

Scene 30

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Chris waits, increasingly upset. MIDDLE-AGE MAN enters and approaches Chris.

MIDDLE-AGE MAN
Is this where --?

CHRIS
Mr. Garret? Please.

Middle-age Man sits, takes a piece of cheesecake and eats.

CHRIS
Have a piece. All organic.

Middle-age man has already finished it.

MIDDLE-AGE MAN
Sucks. Got any booze?

CHRIS
No, but we’ll have a full bar offering organic cocktails, wines and fine ales.

MIDDLE-AGE MAN
(disappointed)
I’ll have another piece.

Middle-age Man takes another piece.

CHRIS
So what led you to apply for this job?

MIDDLE-AGE MAN
Job? Someone at the half-way house said there’d be free food. And all you have is this crappy cheesecake?

Middle-age Man finishes his second piece and leaves.

Scene 29

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Angelique sits on the couch and takes off her shoes.

ANGELIQUE
This is good opportunity to find yourself. I took time off and traveled the world.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
What did you take time off from? Smoking doobies?

ANGELIQUE
(increasingly dramatic)
I looked for myself. Searched high and low. Love. By blue skies as well as stormy weather. Love. On the green plain, the fertile valley, and in the desert. Love --

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Get on with the point!

ANGELIQUE
Love.

JUTTA
Did you find yourself?

ANGELIQUE
No, but I make a lot of whoopee. You need that. Now it is easier to find a man. Internet.

JUTTA
I’m calling the shelter.

Jutta dials.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
That is how I meet JR.

ANGELIQUE
That is how I meet JR.

JUTTA
(into phone)
Give me the number for the homeless shelter in Santa Monica.

Angelique goes to the office, followed by Frau Knobloch.

JUTTA
No, it’s not a new club.

Concerned about what they’re doing, Jutta follows.

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, OFFICE - DAY
Frau Knobloch and Angelique fight for the computer.

ANGELIQUE
I already wrote a profile for you. We just need good intro-line.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Strong German woman.

ANGELIQUE
(typing)
Sexy German girl wanting to satisfy your every fantasy.

JUTTA
(writing down number)
You make me sound like a prostitute!

Jutta exits, dialing.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
She’s right. Add “I do not charge.”

ANGELIQUE
OK.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Und we attach the photo of Jutta in the military.

Frau Knobloch clicks the mouse and hits return.

ANGELIQUE
She looks mean.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
That’s my girl.

Scene 28

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Chris waits for another candidate. He crosses off the 1 pm appointment on his list and writes “no-show.”

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jutta struggles further with her phone.

ANGELIQUE
Jutta, you need new man, who make you feel like real woman.

JUTTA
No, I need Chris.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Homeless man.

JUTTA
I love him.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Chris crosses off the 1:30 pm appointment.

Scene 27

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Angelique enters carrying shopping bags, tries to sneak by Frau Knobloch and Jutta. She wears a wig identical to Frau Knobloch’s. Jutta is deeply depressed.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Sneaky person?

ANGELIQUE
No.

Angelique and Frau Knobloch examine each other’s hairdos in horror. Jutta continues to stare at her cell phone.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You have new hairdo for JR!

ANGELIQUE
No. Disguise.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Disguise?

ANGELIQUE
From the world government. They watch everything.

Frau Knobloch scoffs.

ANGELIQUE
See that window? They use satellite to see everything you do. They even know what color underwear you have right now.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
What if I have no underwear right now?

ANGELIQUE
Then they know even more about you.

As Angelique turns, Frau Knobloch pulls the window shade.

JUTTA
Tante Angelique, you got along with Chris, a little. Did he call you?

ANGELIQUE
If he call me, I hang up.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, he give me his phone number. Why would I call homeless man?

Scene 26

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Chris waits for another candidate, becomes frustrated. A middle-aged HISPANIC WOMAN looks around confused.

CHRIS
Ms. De Rosa?

HISPANIC WOMAN
Huh?

CHRIS
I’m sorry I couldn’t hold this meeting at my office - renovations. Have a seat. Would you like to try my chocolate cheesecake?

Hispanic Woman takes a piece and starts eating.

HISPANIC WOMAN
Hmmmm ... It’s good.

Hispanic Woman eats the cheesecake ravenously.

CHRIS
It’s a symbol of the restaurant, 100% live.

HISPANIC WOMAN
(mouth full)
Live?

CHRIS
Full of live bacterial cultures.

Hispanic Woman nearly vomits, races for the bathroom.

Scene 25

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jutta stares at her cell phone.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You have been moping around three weeks. Get up, do something.

JUTTA
Chris might call.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(snaps fingers)
Get busy. Find a job.

JUTTA
Well, what have you been doing?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I prepare for meeting with JR. I go to gym every day - 2 hours exercycle. Do not tell Angelika!

JUTTA
Why not?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
She think she get JR. But I make myself look good in secret, und she never see me coming.

JUTTA
Mutti--

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We go to live show tonight, und he pick me.

Scene 24

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Chris, dressed in business attire, sits at a table with an entire cheesecake. He waits with excitement. MS. APPLETON, an African-American business woman, enters.

CHRIS
Ms. Appleton?

MS. APPLETON
Yes?

CHRIS
Chris. Nice to meet you.

MS. APPLETON
The restaurant’s smaller than I expected.

CHRIS
(trying to be friendly)
No, I’m freeloading on a coffee shop for interviews.

MS. APPLETON
Wouldn’t your office be more appropriate?

CHRIS
I don’t have an office yet. Would you like to try a piece of live chocolate cheesecake?

MS. APPLETON
Let’s get on with the interview.

CHRIS
OK.
(admiring resume)
I see you’ve managed Organicville culinary for 5 years. Great fit for a live foods restaurant.

MS. APPLETON
Live is a very small niche market.

CHRIS
(shaken)
I need someone who can help select the space, get permits and licenses, hire staff, find funding--

MS. APPLETON
Do you know how competitive this business is? ... I gotta’ go.

Ms. Appleton leaves.

Scene 23

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jutta is depressed. Frau Knobloch, in a good mood by her standards, has on a huge Dallas-style wig, with extra glitter. She speaks into the hamster ball.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Hi Nibbles! Little Nibbly-poo!

JUTTA
That’s Nibbles Two.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
What happened to Nibbles One?

JUTTA
Never mind.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Well, he is cuter than Chris.

JUTTA
What have I done? He’s living in a homeless shelter.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He’s found his place.

JUTTA
He’s too proud to call me back. I have to find him.

Scene 22

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jutta dials a number on her cell phone.

INT. IZARRA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Chris’s cell phone rings.

IZARRA
Chris, your phone!

Izarra realizes Chris is gone, answers the phone.

SPLIT SCREEN - JUTTA AND IZARRA - DAY
Jutta and Izarra look angrily at each other across divide.

IZARRA
Hello.

JUTTA
Sorry, I have the wrong number.

IZARRA
Chris isn’t here.

JUTTA
Who’s this?

IZARRA
Homeless shelter. Message?

JUTTA
This is Jutta. I wanted to give Chris my new cell number.

IZARRA
It came through. I’ll pass it on.

Izarra abruptly hangs up.

CLOSE ON CELL PHONE
Izarra highlights “block caller” and presses enter.

Scene 21

INT. IZARRA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Chris tries to make a call on his cell phone, becomes frustrated. A coffee cup stands next to him. Izarra meditates next to a white painting canvas, tries to get his attention.

IZARRA
Ooooohm.

Izarra looks to see if Chris noticed, then tries louder.

IZARRA
Ooooohm!

Chris tries to appear oblivious, but he’s actually intrigued.

IZARRA
Ooooohm!!!

CHRIS
(playfully)
Need something?

IZARRA
No, I’m working.

CHRIS
Oh.

Chris goes back to his phone.

IZARRA
Ooooohm!!!

CHRIS
What kind of work are you doing?

IZARRA
Well, since you’ve already interrupted, I’m painting.

CHRIS
You’re so creative.

IZARRA
Requires great concentration.

CHRIS
Don’t you need paint?

IZARRA
I’m asking for inspiration from the spirit world.

CHRIS
Getting an answer?

IZARRA
No. Every day, I sit down and wait. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn’t. My last work took six months.

CHRIS
Can I see it?

IZARRA
Last time someone didn’t like my work, I was severely depressed. I couldn’t leave the apartment and started banging my head against the wall over and over. Then my roommate moved out. Said she couldn’t take it.

CHRIS
What snapped you out of it?

IZARRA
My mother visited.

CHRIS
Oh nice, before she passed away.

IZARRA
No, years after.

Izarra reveals a canvas painted completely black.

IZARRA
What do you think?

CHRIS
Six months? Want me to be honest?

IZARRA
But nice.

CHRIS
Fascinating.

IZARRA
Everybody sees something different.

CHRIS
I think I see what’s going on in your head.

IZARRA
I asked for inspiration, but I kept getting nothing. Then I realized nothing didn’t mean nothing. It meant black.

CHRIS
Have you gotten other messages?

IZARRA
Not yet. But black is a popular theme in the spirit world. It’s a series of 23 paintings now.
Izarra starts drinking Chris’s coffee.

IZARRA
You’ve been so busy since you moved in 3 weeks ago. Hardly noticed me.

CHRIS
I’ve been working on the restaurant. It’s too much for me.

IZARRA
I’m so proud of you. Kiss me!

CHRIS
No, It’s a mess. I can’t do it.

IZARRA
You could kiss me anyway.

CHRIS
I really appreciate staying here. Lucky thing you have a pull-out couch.

IZARRA
Yeah, lucky thing.

CHRIS
I should be paying half the rent.

Izarra flips the coffee cup over to read the grounds.

IZARRA
Monetary compensation wasn’t what I had in mind.

CHRIS
You’re a great friend, Izarra.

IZARRA
Story of my life.
(reading the grounds)
There she is again, that woman. She even has the same weird hair. You miss Jutta, don’t you?

CHRIS
(dialing cell phone)
No.

IZARRA
Who are you calling?

CHRIS
Jutta. I left several messages. She hasn’t called back.

IZARRA
Heartless.

CHRIS
I shouldn’t have left. She could change.

IZARRA
Yeah, and the world government doesn’t use radiation from computer screens to cause impotence.

Chris pushes himself away from the computer.

IZARRA
Nobody changes. Our course is written in the stars.

CHRIS
If the restaurant was a success, it would impress Jutta and her family.

Chris leaves the room, depressed.

Scene 20

INT. JUTTA'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Jutta stands alone, devastated. Frau Knobloch enters.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Where is Bob? My suitcase need unpacking.

JUTTA
He’s gone.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Chris?

JUTTA
Gone.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Good.

JUTTA
I wish you’d go too.

Frau Knobloch leaves. Jutta’s cell phone rings. Jutta slams the riding crop down, answers in a rage.

JUTTA
What??? Oh sorry, Mr. Perez.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY - NIGHT
Izarra exits the elevator. She hears a man’s crying from behind a chair in the corner, approaches.

IZARRA
Chris.

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

JUTTA
Closing the office? I’m fired? Wouldn’t you want to transfer key management?
(blowing up)
Who said I’m a hot-head?

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY - NIGHT

CHRIS
(trying to suppress tears)
I just made the worst mistake of my life.

IZARRA
(helping him up)
Come on.

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

JUTTA
(trying to sound calm)
Thank you, Mr. Perez, I’ll pick up my box in the morning.

Jutta hangs up. She notices the hamster ball on the floor, kicks it in anger. It hits the wall so hard it explodes.

Scene 19

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Jutta, I like Bob.

ANGELIQUE
Me too.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We should keep this one.

Chris enters with Chinese food.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
But not this one.

Frau Knobloch and Angelique exit.

JUTTA
Thanks.

CHRIS
(suppressing anger)
You could have picked me up at the airport.

JUTTA
I told you, we were at the museum.

Chris finds it increasingly difficult to hide his anger.

CHRIS
You left me alone in an interrogation room in your country.

JUTTA
Sometimes you don’t deal well with people. It’s even straining my mother.

CHRIS
(on the verge of bursting)
Your mother is a --

Jutta grabs the riding crop and slams it down, making a loud noise. Chris is so startled he nearly jumps through the roof. He quickly backs down.

JUTTA
Shhhhhhh!

CHRIS
Sorry. But she doesn’t understand what I’m saying anyway.

JUTTA
If you can’t try harder, this whole thing won’t work out.

CHRIS
What thing?

JUTTA
Us.

CHRIS
(gaining courage)
Maybe you’re right.

Blowing up, Jutta slams down the riding crop again, startling Chris, but not as much as before.

JUTTA
What?

CHRIS
(quickly backing down)
Sorry. Sometimes I think you don’t accept me for what I am. You’re a little domineering, and you like to give orders.

JUTTA
Indication of an efficient business personality. My father was a great businessman. I have to live up to his standard.

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - NIGHT
Bob cries while cleaning the kitchen. He perks up when he hears the loud arguing in the next room.

CHRIS (O.S.)
You can’t hold me to his standard.

JUTTA (O.S.)
That’s an understatement.

CHRIS (O.S.)
I’m a creative person.

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

JUTTA
You need structure, responsibility, a real career.

CHRIS
I’m too busy playing house-husband. Anyway, I didn’t get the assistant manager promotion. Gotta’ look for a new job.

Jutta slams down the riding crop, startling Chris mildly.

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - NIGHT
Bob continues cleaning, listens with enjoyment.

JUTTA (O.S.)
You never finish anything. What would my father think?

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

CHRIS
I know your dad was incredible, and I know I’ll never be as good. I’ll improve and always strive to be something more. But I’ll always be Chris, not your father.

Bob enters, wearing an apron and carrying a duster.

BOB
I finished the kitchen.

JUTTA
I’ll see you at the office tomorrow.

BOB
You’re not gonna’ fire me, are you?

JUTTA
As long as I have a job with the company, so do you.

BOB
Thank you. You have no idea how much that means --

JUTTA
You can go now.

Silence as Bob leaves.

CHRIS
You gonna’ fire him?

JUTTA
Yeah. His pea-sized brain isn’t worth the air space it occupies.

CHRIS
You lied.

JUTTA
If a subordinate knows he’s getting fired, he’s a liability. Incompetent people make you look good. And when a mistake happens, you blame it on them and send ‘em out the door. It’s Bob’s time now.

CHRIS
How you gonna’ tell him?

JUTTA
I’ll give him a call one evening and tell him to pick up his box in the morning.

CHRIS
Is that what you’ll do when it’s my time? ... My box is already packed.

Jutta is speechless. Chris picks up his suitcase and leaves.

Scene 18

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Chris tries to suppress his anger towards Jutta.

CHRIS
So what are you making for dinner?

JUTTA
Oh, I forgot. Can you run downstairs for Chinese?

CHRIS
Again?

JUTTA
Sorry. We just got back from the museum.

CHRIS
(irritated)
OK.

Frau Knobloch sneaks in as Chris leaves.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Still schmutzig. He cleaned nothing.

Jutta’s cell phone rings. She answers.

JUTTA
Bob, I don’t have time ... Well if it’s an emergency ...

Doorbell rings. Jutta notices Bob has hung up the phone. She answers the door. Bob enters.

JUTTA
Bob!

BOB
I have to talk with you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Another Ami? Schlampe!

JUTTA
This is Bob. He works for me.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Oh good. Here, clean the table.

Frau Knobloch hands Bob a cleaning rag. He begins cleaning with amazing efficiency.

JUTTA
Mutti, that’s not appropriate.

BOB
Ms. Knobloch, things are bad at the office. We’ve lost 3 key accounts, and there are rumors of layoffs.

JUTTA
Nothing to worry about.

BOB
If I had some furniture polish.

Jutta hands Bob furniture polish.

BOB
Secretarial staff will be the first to go.

JUTTA
There won’t be any layoffs without my say-so.

BOB
Mr. Perez said my review was horrible.

Frau Knobloch hands Bob a broom. He sweeps furiously.

JUTTA
That can’t be true.

BOB
You’re the only one who reviews me.

Frau Knobloch points out spots where Bob should sweep.

JUTTA
I didn’t give you a bad review.

BOB
You didn’t write that my pea-sized brain isn’t worth the air space it occupies?

JUTTA
No-one would be so unprofessional.

Angelique enters with clothing over her arm.

ANGELIQUE
All my clothings are wrinkled. Have you an iron?

Frau Knobloch sets up the ironing board. Jutta plugs in the iron. Frau Knobloch takes the clothes from Angelique and hands them to Bob who immediately begins to iron efficiently. Frau Knobloch exits to kitchen.

ANGELIQUE
(flirting with Bob)
Hello.

BOB
(on the verge of crying)
I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose my job. I love this job. Do you have any spray starch?

Jutta hands Bob spray starch.

BOB
I love working for you, Ms. Knobloch.

ANGELIQUE
(flirting aggressively)
You missed a spot.

BOB
(starting to cry)
Mr. Perez wants to see me first thing in the morning, and I know he’s gonna’ fire me.

JUTTA
He can’t fire you without my permission.

Frau Knobloch enters from kitchen.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
The kitchen need cleaning!

Bob rushes into the kitchen.

Scene 17

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Chris and Izarra drink coffee together.

CHRIS
More coffee?

IZARRA
Wait, the grounds have something important to say. Darkness over your love life.

CHRIS
Jutta?

IZARRA
Let me feel your aura.
(extends hands)
She’s too cold for you, focused only on her career.

CHRIS
Sometimes.

IZARRA
She’s a Taurus, the work horse.

CHRIS
How would you know?

IZARRA
Early May birthday?

CHRIS
May 7th. How did --

IZARRA
Hard-core Taurus. May 7th. No creativity, no fun.

CHRIS
You’ve never met her.

IZARRA
The grounds say she has a daddy complex. You’ll never measure up. There’s someone better.

CHRIS
Who?

IZARRA
At work. Creative, beautiful woman.

CHRIS
Kendra?

IZARRA
No.

CHRIS
Lindsay?

IZARRA
Definitely not.

CHRIS
They’re the only good-looking women at work.

IZARRA
(growing irritated)
There must be another.

CHRIS
No.

IZARRA
Yes, there is.

CHRIS
The grounds must be getting stale. I’ll freshen this up.

IZARRA
I see another. Lives nearby?

CHRIS
Joney?

IZARRA
The peg-legged girl who worked for the circus?

CHRIS
She’s always so nice.

IZARRA
You can’t think of someone nicer, more beautiful?

CHRIS
No.

IZARRA
Did I tell you I was a beautiful actress in my last life?

CHRIS
Really?

IZARRA
I was tragically murdered, and they announced to the public I died in my sleep. Big cover up. It was actually related to a little tryst with the Kennedy brothers.

CHRIS
Marilyn Monroe?

IZARRA
I was very misunderstood. Shy, innocent girl from the suburbs. And everyone just wanted to blow my skirt up in the air. I chose a lower profile in this life.

CHRIS
You succeeded.

IZARRA
We learn from each lifetime, and when we’re ready, we ascend to a more challenging, higher plane of existence in future lives.

CHRIS
Stocking shelves is a step up?

IZARRA
It’s a higher challenge to be born with few resources, and obstacles like average looks and IQ.

CHRIS
OK.

IZARRA
From the moment we met, I knew you were in a lifetime on the highest plane of existence.

CHRIS
Thanks. I’m gonna’ put these away.

Chris starts to pick up the coffee cups.

IZARRA
Since you’re so open to this.

Izarra picks up a plastic ball and sets it on the table.

IZARRA
I read crystal.

CHRIS
A crystal ball? Where’d that come from?

IZARRA
Under the table.

CHRIS
Wait, that’s frosted plastic.

IZARRA
It’ll work. I’m very talented.

Izarra peers into the plastic ball.

CHRIS
I better get things cleaned up. Jutta will be home any minute. She’s making dinner.

IZARRA
Wait. I see a negative influence in your life.

CHRIS
Izarra, I really don’t believe in --

IZARRA
Look.

CHRIS
What’s that? A dark shadow? It’s moving.

IZARRA
Evil. Infiltrating your life.

CHRIS
This isn’t funny.

IZARRA
Chill wind. Darkness.

CHRIS
What was that???

IZARRA
A demon.

CHRIS
And that?

IZARRA
A goat. Blood. Hoofed creature beckons evil.

Izarra shrieks, becomes truly frightened.

CHRIS
It moved. The crystal ball moved!

IZARRA
You’re in real danger, immediate danger.

CHRIS
It’s cold in here.

IZARRA
Blackness, clouds, demonic energy. An evil is coming fast and strong. Cold winds infiltrate the bone from afar. It’s evil, a true evil, and it’s coming now.

Jutta enters.

JUTTA
Hi Chris.

Chris and Izarra jump in shock. Izarra lets out a blood-curtling scream.

CHRIS
Jutta ... This is Izarra, from work.

Frau Knobloch and Angelique enter, sneak by Chris and exit to bedrooms.

JUTTA
Nice to meet you. Can you believe someone on an upper floor dumped coffee on me? I bet it’s that loud obnoxious new neighbor in 9B. Oh, how’d that get up here?

Jutta picks up the plastic ball, opens the top and speaks into it.

JUTTA
Hi Nibbles! Did you have a good run in your new hamster ball?

IZARRA
I’d better go.

CHRIS
Thanks for stopping by.

IZARRA
The pleasure’s all mine.

Izarra leaves.

Scene 16

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Chris and Izarra sit at a table, with coffee. Izarra flirts.

IZARRA
Izarra. With a rolled “r.” Izarra.

CHRIS
(tries unsuccessfully)
Izarra.

Izarra giggles at his ridiculous attempt.

IZARRA
That’s so cute. Means star goddess.

CHRIS
Sorry, looks like I got some grounds in the cup.

IZARRA
Don’t worry, I’m an Aquarius.

CHRIS
Oh sorry.

IZARRA
Aquarius is my sun sign. We’re abstract thinkers, creative
people, not bound to the confines of the status quo.

CHRIS
Huh?

IZARRA
Besides, I read coffee grounds.

She throws the remainder of her coffee out the window.

CHRIS
Hey!

Izarra flips the coffee cup upside down.

IZARRA
Aquariuses see the world differently.

She turns the cup back over and looks inside. Chris tries to take a sip of coffee. Izarra stops him in order to show him her cup.

IZARRA
Look at the scene the grounds paint for me. Here’s my
love life. Just some older woman with a funny hairdo.
Mother complex. Mom died when I was little. Aquariuses
have trouble with love. We always come across as a good
friend when we really want something romantic.

Chris attempts to drink his coffee a second time. Izarra stops him in order to emphasize her next point.

IZARRA
Luckily, I have a Scorpio ascendent. The ascendent is what
you become as your life progresses. Scorpios are very
sensual by nature. A little kinky sometimes in a dark sort
of way, but they love sex. I have a great future ahead of me.

CHRIS
Interesting --

IZARRA
Let’s look at yours.

She grabs the cup from Chris and throws the coffee out the window. Chris seizes it in hopes of rescuing a little.

CHRIS
I wanted to drink that.

He finishes off what’s in the cup, chokes on the grounds and spits them in the cup.

CHRIS
Grounds.

IZARRA
The Scorpio in me thought that was hot. OK, flip it over.

CHRIS
(complies)
I don’t believe in this sort of thing.

IZARRA
Now turn it right side up.

He does. Izarra examines the coffee grounds.

CHRIS
Do you really know how to do this?

IZARRA
Shhhhhhhh. There are clouds over your career.

CHRIS
Career? I stock shelves.

IZARRA
But you do it with me. I’m really an artist, you know. I paint.

CHRIS
Oh? Where can I see your work?

IZARRA
I’m between shows. I was a princess in a previous life.

CHRIS
Really?

IZARRA
The Russian Tsarina Alexandra.

Chris is clueless.

IZARRA
Anastasia’s mother.

CHRIS
I hear Anastasia’s still alive. You might want to get in touch.

IZARRA
No, she died with me. Bright little one. I hear, in her
present life, she’s a crack addict living under a bridge.

CHRIS
Have you told this to anyone else?

IZARRA
No. People would think I’m crazy.

CHRIS
Nooooo.

Scene 15

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
Chris angrily enters the elevator with his suitcase. The doors begin to close.

IZARRA (O.S.)
Wait! Wait!

Chris presses the OPEN button. Izarra enters.

IZARRA
Chris.

CHRIS
You live here?

IZARRA
I moved in a couple weeks ago. 9B.

CHRIS
9B? That’s right above us. We heard someone moving in.

IZARRA
Was I too loud?

CHRIS
No, hardly heard a thing.

IZARRA
How was the trip?

CHRIS
Fine, yeah fine.

Izarra detects the trip didn’t go well and hence her chance.

IZARRA
We’ve been working together for a year now. It’s
about time we had coffee.

CHRIS
Come on up. No-one’s home.

Izarra smiles with aggressive seduction.

Scene 14

INT. JUTTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Jutta, Frau Knobloch and Angelique enter with suitcases.

JUTTA
This is the place.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You could do better. Und so schmutzig!
    SUBTITLES
    . . . And so dirty!

JUTTA
Just needs dusting. Mutti, you’re in the guest bedroom,
and Tante Angelique, you’re in my office.

ANGELIQUE
I unpack.

Angelique exits. Frau Knobloch examines the room.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Germany is clean.
JUTTA
I like LA, even with the dust.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Then clean it up.

JUTTA
Chris’ll take care of it. I don’t understand what
happened at the airport.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He is really stupid.

JUTTA
Why wouldn’t you let me stay? I feel guilty leaving him
in the interrogation alone.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Why should we miss the plane?

JUTTA
I hope he got on the next flight.

Scene 13

INT. AIRPORT - DAY
Chris, Jutta, Frau Knobloch and Angelique stand in the security line at the airport in Germany.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
If you notice any suspicious activity, please notify
airport security.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Was sagt er?
    SUBTITLES
    What did he say?

ANGELIQUE
English.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I know. I practice English for JR.

JUTTA
This line is so long.

CHRIS
I dreamed I’m a master chef.

JUTTA
You look cute in your chef hat.

CHRIS
Preparing a masterpiece organic souffle for a big
competition.

JUTTA
Chocolate?

CHRIS
What do you think of my restaurant idea?

JUTTA
I love your dreams.

CHRIS
I wanna’ make it reality.

JUTTA
A live vegan restaurant?

CHRIS
Yeah.

JUTTA
That’s a very small niche market.

CHRIS
Live food is big in LA.

JUTTA
What percentage of the population is dedicated to
a live foods diet?

CHRIS
Well, maybe --

JUTTA
How many even know what it is?

CHRIS
I guess --

JUTTA
Business plan? Financial projections? Funding?

CHRIS
Not yet.

JUTTA
It’s another impractical dream you’ll give up on.

CHRIS
Thanks for your support.

JUTTA
Like my father always said, you have to be born
with a killer instinct to make it in business.

CHRIS
Killer instinct?

JUTTA
When a shark smells blood in the water, he instinctively
knows there’s a weakened animal prone for attack.
He doesn’t think. He goes for the kill. In business,
when you detect weakness, you go for the kill. You’re
gonna’ get torn apart.

SECURITY PERSONNEL enters. Chris and Jutta continue arguing inaudibly. Chris becomes increasingly upset. Angelique tries to flirt with Security Personnel.

SECURITY PERSONNEL
If you notice any suspicious behavior, notify security
personnel. Any suspicious behavior--

Frau Knobloch points Chris out to Security Personnel.

SECURITY PERSONNEL
Him?

Frau Knobloch puts her finger to her lips, nods dramatically and makes large hand motions. Angelique nods in agreement.

SECURITY PERSONNEL
Are you being held against your will?

Frau Knobloch and Angelique don’t quite understand, look at each other confused, then nod in unison to Security Personnel. He takes out his gun and points it at Chris.

SECURITY PERSONNEL
Sir, I’d like to ask you some questions.

CHRIS
(Turns around in anger)
What do you want?

SECURITY PERSONNEL
Put your hands up! And keep ‘em up.

CHRIS
What?

SECURITY PERSONNEL
Step out of the line.

JUTTA
Chris, what did you do?

SECURITY PERSONNEL
M’am, stay out of this.
(to Chris)
Come with me.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(to Angelique with pride)
See, I understood everything.

Scene 12

EXT. ON DECK OF RIVER CRUISE SHIP - DAY
Chris and Jutta stand looking at the passing scenery. Frau Knobloch and Angelique, both in grumpy moods, stand on either side of the them. Chris tries even harder to impress.

CHRIS
(whispering to Jutta)
What’s going on?

JUTTA
They talk on the phone all day long, just not
in person. They’re fighting.

CHRIS
For how long now?

JUTTA
Fifty years.
(to Frau Knobloch)
Isn’t it nice to see Aunt Angelique?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talk with Angelika.

ANGELIQUE
I not talk with Knobloch.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talk with you more than you not talk
with me.

JUTTA
Mutti!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I am occupied not talking with Tante Angelika!

ANGELIQUE
Why does our not talking happen in English?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(mocking)
Chris speak not so good German.

JUTTA
Stop!

CHRIS
Can I ask something?

JUTTA, FRAU KNOBLOCH AND ANGELIQUE
NO!

JUTTA
Mutti, this is for Chris.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Pervert.

ANGELIQUE
Pervert.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You think you know everything.

ANGELIQUE
You think you know everything!

Jutta’s cell phone rings.

JUTTA
Bob!

She answers the phone and leaves. Chris tries to go too, but is stopped by Frau Knobloch who pushes him into Angelique.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I am the one who know you having something with my JR.

Angelique pushes Chris into Frau Knobloch.

ANGELIQUE
Ach so! JR!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talking with you!

ANGELIQUE
Chris, tell Frau Knobloch I have JR first.

CHRIS
What?

ANGELIQUE
Tell her!

CHRIS
She heard you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I hear nothing.

CHRIS
She said she had JR first.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(surprised)
Hah? Schlampe! Say her, I have him back.
He want me, only me.

Chris is confused. Frau Knobloch hits him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Say her!

CHRIS
She says JR only wants her.

ANGELIQUE
Oh? If she think that, then it is not only the Amis
who spinnen.

CHRIS
She said you’re cool.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(insulted)
Ach so?

ANGELIQUE
He is not so a man who stay only with one
woman.

Chris repeats word for word. His accent starts to become more and more like Angelique’s.

CHRIS
He is not so a man who stay only with one
woman.

ANGELIQUE
He have many.

CHRIS
He have many.

ANGELIQUE
One after the other.

CHRIS
One after the other.

ANGELIQUE
(hits Chris)
You making fun of me???
(to Frau Knobloch)
I find JR in the internet chat room, and he is so
real man, like the real JR. Then I tell you, and you
write him behind my back.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I find him first, und you go behind my back!

ANGELIQUE
I was first!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Anyway, he was the one who wrote us both.
Perfect man. Like real JR.

ANGELIQUE
Perfect. You think he is JR?

CHRIS
You can’t believe you met the actor from “Dallas”
in a chat room.

FRAU KNOBLOCH AND ANGELIQUE
Pervert!

ANGELIQUE
We write each other about the evil world
government. They want to destroy love.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Oh, that again.

ANGELIQUE
JR understand me. I fall in love.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, me too.

ANGELIQUE
I want him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He’s mine. We settle this now. Piss competition.

ANGELIQUE
Piss competition?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You und me. The one who do the most piss und
not fall down win.

ANGELIQUE
I don’t do that with you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Afraid?

ANGELIQUE
(considers, nods)
I drink something first.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We drink the piss now.

ANGELIQUE
Drink the piss?
(to Chris)
Your idea?

Chris indicates no.

ANGELIQUE
(to Frau Knobloch)
You first ... Who’s piss?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
The waiter. Und Chris watch. No cheating.

ANGELIQUE
You know what piss means?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I speak good English!

ANGELIQUE
Piss means pinkeln.

Frau Knobloch hits Chris. Jutta enters.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He is sick. Sick!

JUTTA
Chris, come see my favorite castle.

Jutta grabs Chris’s arm, leads him away.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We ask JR which one he want.

ANGELIQUE
OK, but in person.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We go to Texas?

ANGELIQUE
LA. He performs live show in LA.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Jutta live in LA.

Scene 11

INT. IZARRA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The apartment is filled with moving boxes. An OLDER WOMAN unpacks. Izarra hangs a picture of Chris (that she took on her cell phone, including thumb in foreground) on the wall. Older Woman shakes her head in disapproval. Izarra lights a candle in front of the picture, sits on the floor yoga style and meditates.

EXT. GERMAN RESTAURANT - DAY
Jutta and Frau Knobloch argue with three police officers. Chris looks on helplessly.

INT. ANGELIQUE’S HOUSE, GUEST BEDROOM
Chris lies sleepless in bed, face irradiated with light. Angelique knocks on the door.

ANGELIQUE
Yoohoo! Ami boy! I don’t tell Jutta!

She tries to open the door. It’s locked. Chris feigns loud snoring. Angelique is enraged.

Scene 10

INT. GERMAN RESTAURANT IN OUTDOOR COURTYARD - DAY
Frau Knobloch, Jutta and Chris eat at a table. Silence. Chris is still determined to make a good impression.

JUTTA
I love brunch.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Stupid Ami custom.

Jutta’s cell phone rings. She answers.

JUTTA
Bob, can’t you do anything alone???

Jutta leaves the table so fast Chris doesn’t get the chance to stop her. Awkward silence. Frau Knobloch tries.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You like beer, ja?

CHRIS
Yeah. German beer is so much better than that
American piss water.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Piss? What is piss?

Chris is shocked not only by his letting the word “piss” slip out but even more so that Frau Knobloch is now using it.

CHRIS
I mean beer. German beer’s better than American
beer.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Piss means beer? Hmmm ... Why taste German piss
better than Ami piss?

CHRIS
(exasperated)
Beer! It’s the German Beer Purity Laws. Amis use
too many preservatives.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Preservatives? What is preservatives?

CHRIS
Oh, I don't know that word in German. Must be
something like ... Präservativen?
  SUBTITLES
  ... Condoms

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Präservativen? Präservativen???
  SUBTITLES
  Condoms? Condoms???

Frau Knobloch looks around to see if anyone overheard.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(quietly)
Amis use too many?
CHRIS
(excited she understood)
Yes.

Chris nods gleefully.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
More than one? Ja?

CHRIS
A lot. All different kinds.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
At the same time? Ja?

CHRIS
Ja! Uhhh ... yes.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Why?

CHRIS
So it lasts longer.

Frau Knobloch gasps. Looks from other tables.

CHRIS
Amis don’t have the same purity laws as Germans,
so they can do whatever they want.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
OK, maybe people should not use too many, but --

CHRIS
Just what I’m talking about. Corporate America. They
convince you they’re not using Präservativen, but
when you turn your back, they stick it right in there.

The entire courtyard is suddenly silent, everyone watching.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I don’t want to know this!

Frau Knobloch gives a dirty look to a woman at the next table who is listening intently. She looks away.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
OK, I believe you. But what have Präservativen to
do with the taste of piss?

Frau Knobloch tries to calm herself by drinking coffee.

CHRIS
Amis put so many Präservativen in the beer, it ruins
the taste.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(choking on coffee)
WAS??? In the -- ??? Die Amis spinnen, but really spinnen.

CHRIS
Thank you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
How you remove the Präservativen when
you drink the piss?

CHRIS
You can’t.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Can’t you see them floating around in there?

Frau Knobloch sips coffee.

CHRIS
No, they’re very very small.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(spews coffee)
Very small?

CHRIS
I’ll bring you some American beer next time I’m in
town.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
No, I stay with German beer. Normal German beer.

Jutta enters in a good mood, putting away cell phone.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I really need a piss now.

JUTTA
Mutti!

Frau Knobloch leaves the table and approaches the waiter. Chris is proud he finally made a good impression.

CHRIS
I’ve really enjoyed meeting your mother. She’s a little
eccentric, but we made a genuine connection.

JUTTA
(surprised)
Wow, that’s a first.
(trying to cover surprise)
I mean, I knew you two would get along well.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(to waiter)
Die Polizei, bitte! Die Polizei!!!
  SUBTITLES
  The police, please! The police!!!

Scene 9

EXT. ANGELIQUE’S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
Jutta and Chris stand in front of the door.

CHRIS
I don’t know what to say to your mother.

JUTTA
Try pointing out what you love in Germany,
something better here than in the US.

INT. ANGELIQUE’S HOUSE, GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT
Chris sneaks quietly into the room, trying to avoid Angelique. Angelique enters the doorway, startling Chris. She’s dressed in a slinky nightgown.

ANGELIQUE
Chris, you are discrete?

CHRIS
Uhh ... yeah.

ANGELIQUE
You find older woman attractive.

CHRIS
No!

Angry, Angelique turns to leave.

CHRIS
I mean, yes.

She returns with interest.

CHRIS
I mean, I need to sleep.

Chris slams the door in her face.

INT. FRAU KNOBLOCH’S LIVING ROOM

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He is so stupid. What I talk about?

JUTTA
Beer? You both love beer.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I go to bed.

Frau Knobloch leaves in a huff.

INT. ANGELIQUE’S HOUSE, GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT
Chris lies sleepless in bed. Light irradiates his face.

Scene 8

INT. FRAU KNOBLOCH'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Frau Knobloch returns with coffee, smiles suspiciously as she places a cup in front of Chris. Chris tries hard to impress.

JUTTA
Mutti, we were talking about “Dallas.”
Chris was just in Texas.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
“Dallas?” You know the Ewing family?

CHRIS
Well, no, not personally.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Crazy people, ja?

CHRIS
Yeah. So who do you think shot JR?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Oh, JR. Sometimes bad man.

CHRIS
Maybe it was a good German who shot him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(horrified)
German? No, German never shoot JR! Poor
man, JR. Handsome man. I like this JR very much.

JUTTA
That was Chris’s way of making a little joke.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(deathly sarcastic)
Amusing.

Jutta’s cell phone rings. She answers.

JUTTA
Hello. Bob, what’s wrong?

Jutta continues inaudibly, becomes upset with the news.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I think very bad man shoot JR. Not Kristin.
Dirty woman Kristin.
(spits to side)
But not Kristin. Maybe French man shoot JR.

JUTTA
It’s my secretary.

Jutta turns to leave.

CHRIS
You can’t leave me alone now. Sarkozy just
shot JR.

JUTTA
You’re doing great.

Jutta leaves the room, angrily talking on the phone.

JUTTA
You get the job’s done, or you can pack up
your little box and leave now ...

An uncomfortable silence pervades the room. Frau Knobloch looks sternly at Chris who tries to break the tension with a forced laugh, unsuccessfully. Chris picks up his coffee in an attempt to fill the time gap, realizes how dangerous that might be, and places it back on the table, then notices Frau Knobloch had been watching.

CHRIS
It’s a little hot. I can wait for the coffee ... as
much time as it needs ... I probably won’t drink
it at all.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You don’t like my coffee?

CHRIS
It’s perfect. I just enjoy admiring it, giving it
proper respect.

Jutta blows up in rage in the next room. Frau Knobloch, seemingly unaffected, admires her hair in a nearby mirror, pleased with the outcome.

JUTTA (O.S.)
No, no, NO! If that idiot loser wants spoon-
feeding, I’ll show him where I’m gonna’ stick it!

CHRIS
Oh no.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
That is nothing. You should see me.

Pause. Chris tries to come up with more conversation.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Knobloch!

CHRIS
Bless --

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Do not say “bless you!”

CHRIS
(with pride)
Gesundheit! ... So I hear you’re dating someone?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja.

CHRIS
Tell me about him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Jutta knows not.

CHRIS
Why not?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
JR said do not tell.

CHRIS
JR?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
How you know that?

CHRIS
You’re dating JR?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Shhhhhhhhhh!

CHRIS
The guy who got shot?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He is not dead. Kristin want him. Ober-
Schlampe!
(spits to side)
But I win.

CHRIS
Jutta!

Frau Knobloch gestures to indicate he better not tell Jutta.

Scene 7

INT. FRAU KNOBLOCH'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Frau Knobloch enters in a slightly more upscale bathrobe. Her hair shoots from the top of her head like a volcano.

JUTTA
Mutti!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(unimpressed)
Er ist Dein Freund?
   SUBTITLES
   This is your boyfriend?

CHRIS
It's a pleasure to meet you, Frau Knoblau.
   SUBTITLES
   . . . Ms. Garlic

Frau Knobloch yells in Chris’s face, with extreme emphasis on the guttural “ch” such that it sounds similar to an incredible sneeze, horrifying Chris.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Knobloch!!!

CHRIS
Bless you. ... By the way, the petite white
roses at the side of your yard are beautiful.
French?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Was für ein Vollidiot!
   SUBTITLES
   What a complete idiot!

JUTTA
She’s pleased to meet you too. Mutti, English.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(still angry)
Die Amis spinnen doch.

CHRIS
I caught that. Amis spinnen. Thanks.

Jutta laughs hysterically in an attempt to alleviate the tension. Frau Knobloch and Chris stare at Jutta, failing to comprehend the humor.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(calming down)
Sit. We drink coffee, ja? You want Milch
with coffee?

Jutta is positioned out of Frau Knobloch’s view. She signals dramatically that Chris should respond “yes.”

CHRIS
Yes. Please.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Sugar?

Jutta signals “no.”

CHRIS
No. No thank you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Schnapps?

Jutta urgently signals “no.”

CHRIS
No, never, but thank you.

Frau Knobloch notices Jutta’s violent hand waving, who then pretends to be fanning herself.

JUTTA
It’s a little warm.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I bring coffee, ja?

Frau Knobloch goes into the kitchen.

JUTTA
You’re doing great. Just keep it up.

CHRIS
I just used up my whole conversation.

JUTTA
Ask her who she thinks shot JR.

CHRIS
JR?

JUTTA
You know, that old TV series “Dallas.”
She’s been watching reruns since I was
a kid. She loved it when JR got shot.

CHRIS
Does she take milk with her coffee?

JUTTA
My father’s death was traumatic, and now
she’s all alone. I worry about her getting
a little disconnected from the real world.
All she has is her TV.

CHRIS
It must have been hard losing her husband.

JUTTA
Happened right before I was born, but
she’s never gotten over it. She said she’s
dating someone, so that's a good sign, but
she wouldn’t give details.

Scene 6

INT. FRAU KNOBLOCH’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Doorbell rings. Frau Knobloch appears wearing the same bathrobe from the previous evening. Jutta follows.

JUTTA
I’ll get it. Uhm, weren’t you gonna’
fix yourself up?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
What is the problem?

JUTTA
Change your clothes? Fix your hair up?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You want hair up?

JUTTA
Mutti, this is important. Relax and be
yourself ... OK, don’t be yourself. Be
warm. Be nice.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I put hair up. If he nice, I nice.

INT. FRAU KNOBLOCH’S HOUSE, ENTRYWAY - DAY
Jutta answers the door. Chris enters, very upset.

JUTTA
You look terrible. Didn’t you sleep?

Jutta picks a piece of lint off Chris’s shirt.

CHRIS
Jutta --

JUTTA
Stop slouching.

Jutta taps Chris on the back. He stands up straight.

CHRIS
Jutta, your Tante Angelique is a little
weird.

Jutta notices something on Chris’s face. During the conversation, she spits on a tissue and wipes off his face.

JUTTA
Isn’t she fun?

CHRIS
She keeps saying “Amis spinnen. Amis
spinnen.” What does that mean?
   SUBTITLES
   Americans are nuts. Americans are nuts.

JUTTA
Americans are ... cool.

Jutta leads Chris into the living room.

INT. FRAU KNOBLOCH’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

JUTTA
Don’t be nervous. My mother’s a warm,
caring person.

CHRIS
She forced you into military duty.

JUTTA
Best two years of my life.

CHRIS
You already told me what she did to the
last guy you introduced.

JUTTA
She was in a weird mood.

CHRIS
Weird mood? You went to the bathroom,
and by the time you got back, the “Polizei”
were there arresting him for breaking and
entering.
   SUBTITLES
   ... police

JUTTA
He slurped his coffee.

CHRIS
Huh?

JUTTA
She has a theory. You can tell how a man
treats a woman by the way he drinks his
coffee.

CHRIS
Coffee?

JUTTA
Milk implies you’re tender and caring.
Sugar means you hide the truth. And
artificial sweeteners really get her going.

CHRIS
What if I insist on fair trade organic coffee?

JUTTA
And don’t drink too fast. Impatience means
you’re only interested in one thing.

CHRIS
The last guy slurped? Did that mean he --?

JUTTA
OK, my mother was right about him.

Scene 5

INT. ANGELIQUE’S HOUSE, GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT
Light radiates throughout the bedroom disturbing Chris’s sleep. He stares at the ceiling, turns over, then turns over again. Finally, he places the pillow over his head.
 
CLOSE ON POT PLANT UNDER BRIGHT HEATING LAMP ON DRESSER.

Scene 4

INT. FRAU KNOBLOCH’S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT
FRAU KNOBLOCH, dressed in a bathrobe, makes coffee. 

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Die Nachbaren denken, Du wärst
eine Schlampe.
   SUBTITLES
   The neighbors think you're a slut.

JUTTA
Mutti, practice your English. And
don't call me Schlampe.
   SUBTITLES
   Mom,  ... slut.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Why must I meet another Ami?

JUTTA
“American” not “Ami.”

FRAU KNOBLOCH
The Amis are superficial ... und a little
stupid. You need nice German boy.

JUTTA
I love Chris.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I have always been right on boyfriends.

JUTTA
You've always been right before.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I know people. That is why I stay home und
watch TV. He want money. Just money.

JUTTA
I trust him. We have no secrets.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Secrets are the foundation of every good
relationship. You must find a man as good
as Gustav Knobloch.

JUTTA
You can’t expect Chris to be just like my
father.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Tante Angelika already call me. Says Chris is
handsome but pervert.

JUTTA
Aunt Angelique likes perverts.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
“Angelika” not “Angelique.” She thinks she’s
French.

Frau Knobloch spits to the side in disgust.

JUTTA
She calls herself “Angelique” now.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I call her the Oberschlampe.
   SUBTITLES
   ...  biggest slut.

JUTTA
It was nice she let Chris stay with her, since
you wouldn’t have him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
What I tell the neighbors?

JUTTA
You haven’t spoken with the neighbors in 3
years.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
They attack my bush.

JUTTA
That ugly old shrub?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(furious)
Nobody touch my bush.

JUTTA
Frau Revoir clipped off leaves that had grown
onto her side.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Stupid French woman. Why she not go back to
France?

JUTTA
She’s from Stuttgart.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
French name.

JUTTA
You overreacted by hacking all the buds
off her pygmy white rose bush.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
They look like little pimples.

Jutta shoots Frau Knobloch a stern look.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Anyway they grow back. Pimples always do.

Frau Knobloch places the freshly brewed coffee in the refrigerator. Jutta looks inquisitively.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Everything ready. When Chris come in the
morning, I put in microwave.

JUTTA
Good idea. Well, good night.

Scene 3

EXT. ANGELIQUE’S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
Jutta and Chris stand in front of the door.

CHRIS
I don't know much about German culture.

JUTTA
Just do whatever I do.

Angelique opens the door, delighted.

ANGELIQUE
Jutta!

JUTTA
Tante Angelique.

They embrace warmly, kissing once on each cheek.

JUTTA
This is Chris.

Chris embraces her, tries to kiss her on the cheek. Angelique recoils in shock.

ANGELIQUE
Come in, Jutta.

JUTTA
It’s late. Another day.
(to Chris)
Remember, my mother’s house is three doors
down. See you bright and early.
(to Angelique)
Good night.

Angelique blows Jutta a kiss as she leaves, then looks coldly at Chris.

ANGELIQUE
Right in front of Jutta. Come.

Chris struggles with his suitcase, follows Angelique.

INT. ANGELIQUE’S HOUSE, GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT

ANGELIQUE
Your room. I will not make sex with you tonight.
(turns to leave, then)
I lock my door.

CHRIS
(poor accented German)
Gute Nacht! Thank you!
 
The room is decorated with antique bongs and pictures of Angelique smoking pot with local peoples around the world.

Scene 2

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - NIGHT
Chris prepares a spectacular dinner.

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, ENTRY WAY - NIGHT
Jutta enters, slams the door.

JUTTA
If I had a dollar for every idiot.

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, DINING ROOM - NIGHT
The lights are low and romantic, candles on the dining table. Jutta sits and reviews documents. Chris enters and places the last touches of dinner. Unaware of the ambience, Jutta starts to eat while working, pays little attention to Chris.

CHRIS
My day wasn’t the best.

JUTTA
Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm . . .

CHRIS
Do I really have to stay at your Tante
Angelique’s house?

JUTTA
(continues reviewing docs)
The neighbors are so nosy. Oh, did
you hear anything on the promotion?

CHRIS
(nervous)
No. Might be a while.

JUTTA
Oh, here.

Jutta hands Chris a bank card while continuously working.

JUTTA
I put your name on my bank account.

CHRIS
That’s your money.

JUTTA
In case of emergency. It has a 30,000
dollar limit.

Chris stares at the card, awestruck with the limit. BANG. CRASH. Jutta looks up at the ceiling.

JUTTA
Will that loud new neighbor ever finish
moving in?

CHRIS
One of these days, I wanna’ get away
from the job-stress, the crowded city. I
dreamed we live in a tree-house.

Jutta’s eyes light up.

JUTTA
Tree-house? With the master bedroom
at the top?

CHRIS
And the kids’ bedrooms on the lower
branches, so we won’t be disturbed.

JUTTA
(giggles)
And when they need discipline, I’ll swing
down on a vine, spank them on my way by ...

Jutta picks up a riding crop and slams it on the furniture making a loud noise, startling Chris.

JUTTA
and swoop back up.

CHRIS
Would you put that riding crop away?

JUTTA
It was my father’s when he became
general.

CHRIS
Our kids’ll be so perfect they’ll never
need discipline.

JUTTA
I love your dreams, Chris.

Chris walks to Jutta and gets down on one knee.

CHRIS
Jutta, will you --

Chris trips and falls to the ground. He repositions himself on one knee.

CHRIS
Will you marry me?

For a brief moment Jutta is elated, then becomes serious.

FADE TO PLANE LANDING IN GERMANY - NIGHT

JUTTA
Contingent on you making a good
impression on my family.

Scene 1

INT. EVERYTHING ORGANIC GROCERY STORE - DAY
CHRIS stocks a shelf, frustrated. He searches for the
beans shelf.

CHRIS
Beans? Beans?

He looks at the can he holds. It's not beans.

CHRIS
Peas. Organic canned peas?

Chris searches for the peas shelf, becomes increasingly
frustrated. Finally, he puts the can back in the
box, hides the box behind a nearby display and leaves.
IZARRA, his coworker, retrieves the box and begins placing
the cans in the correct place.

INT. JUTTA'S OFFICE - DAY
JUTTA reviews documents at her desk in a large corner
office.

JUTTA
Why is everyone incompetent?

INT. EVERYTHING ORGANIC GROCERY STORE - DAY
Chris puts together a pyramid display of bottles of organic
chocolate sauce. Izarra watches with a smile.

STORE EMPLOYEE
You're going to Germany to meet
her mother? Ready for that?

Izarra becomes disappointed as she overhears.
CHRIS
Have to be.

As Chris places the last bottle at the top of the pyramid, it
comes crashing to the ground. Store Employee hastily leaves.

BOSS (O.S.)
Chris!

INT. JUTTA'S OFFICE - DAY
Jutta rushes through a full office floor with BOB following
three steps behind. As Jutta enters her office, she snaps her
fingers and points over her shoulder to a table as she
continues to her desk. Bob places a stack of presentations
on the table and stands at attention. Jutta goes to work,
then becomes irritated that Bob is still there.

JUTTA
You can go.

BOB
Yes, Ms. Knobloch.

INT. EVERYTHING ORGANIC GROCERY STORE - DAY
Chris mops up the chocolate mess. A heavy set female Shopper
flies around the corner with a shopping cart, slips. The cart
goes flying, and the Shopper falls in the chocolate.

INT. JUTTA'S OFFICE - DAY
Jutta leaves her office and strides toward three employees in
a row. All three look frightened and bury their faces in
their work. Without pausing, Jutta whisks past the three,
dropping a document on each desk while giving harsh feedback.

JUTTA
(to Employee One)
Market's getting tougher. I need
stronger work.
(to Employee Two)
Sloppy.
(to Employee Three)
And I question why we ever hired
you.

INT. EVERYTHING ORGANIC GROCERY STORE - DAY
Chris tries to help the Shopper up, slips and falls. Both are
a chocolate mess. Chris's BOSS looks on disapprovingly.

INT. JUTTA'S OFFICE - DAY
Jutta works at her computer. Bob places several files on her
desk. She maintains focus on the computer.

JUTTA
I'll look them over on the plane
tomorrow and call from Germany.

BOB
Thank you.

JUTTA
If you forgot anything,
you'll be disciplined.

Bob has difficulty hiding his enjoyment, excuses himself in
military style and exits.

INT. EVERYTHING ORGANIC GROCERY STORE - BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY
Chris stands in front of the BOSS's desk.

BOSS
Chris, I know how much you wanted
this promotion, but you're not
ready to be assistant manager.

INT. EVERYTHING ORGANIC - OUTSIDE BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY
Izarra watches as Chris exits the Boss's office dejected. She
takes a picture of Chris with her cell phone, admires the
picture, which includes an image of her thumb.

INT. JUTTA'S OFFICE - DAY
Jutta storms out of the office. Employees appear relieved
after her exit and begin to talk.

BOB
Shhhhhhhhhh!

EXT. LA CITY STREET - NIGHT
Chris drives home in a beat up old car.

EXT. DIFFERENT LA CITY STREET - NIGHT
A chauffeur drives Jutta home in elegance. She reviews
documents. The traffic irritates her.