Scene 12

EXT. ON DECK OF RIVER CRUISE SHIP - DAY
Chris and Jutta stand looking at the passing scenery. Frau Knobloch and Angelique, both in grumpy moods, stand on either side of the them. Chris tries even harder to impress.

CHRIS
(whispering to Jutta)
What’s going on?

JUTTA
They talk on the phone all day long, just not
in person. They’re fighting.

CHRIS
For how long now?

JUTTA
Fifty years.
(to Frau Knobloch)
Isn’t it nice to see Aunt Angelique?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talk with Angelika.

ANGELIQUE
I not talk with Knobloch.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talk with you more than you not talk
with me.

JUTTA
Mutti!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I am occupied not talking with Tante Angelika!

ANGELIQUE
Why does our not talking happen in English?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(mocking)
Chris speak not so good German.

JUTTA
Stop!

CHRIS
Can I ask something?

JUTTA, FRAU KNOBLOCH AND ANGELIQUE
NO!

JUTTA
Mutti, this is for Chris.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Pervert.

ANGELIQUE
Pervert.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You think you know everything.

ANGELIQUE
You think you know everything!

Jutta’s cell phone rings.

JUTTA
Bob!

She answers the phone and leaves. Chris tries to go too, but is stopped by Frau Knobloch who pushes him into Angelique.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I am the one who know you having something with my JR.

Angelique pushes Chris into Frau Knobloch.

ANGELIQUE
Ach so! JR!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talking with you!

ANGELIQUE
Chris, tell Frau Knobloch I have JR first.

CHRIS
What?

ANGELIQUE
Tell her!

CHRIS
She heard you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I hear nothing.

CHRIS
She said she had JR first.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(surprised)
Hah? Schlampe! Say her, I have him back.
He want me, only me.

Chris is confused. Frau Knobloch hits him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Say her!

CHRIS
She says JR only wants her.

ANGELIQUE
Oh? If she think that, then it is not only the Amis
who spinnen.

CHRIS
She said you’re cool.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(insulted)
Ach so?

ANGELIQUE
He is not so a man who stay only with one
woman.

Chris repeats word for word. His accent starts to become more and more like Angelique’s.

CHRIS
He is not so a man who stay only with one
woman.

ANGELIQUE
He have many.

CHRIS
He have many.

ANGELIQUE
One after the other.

CHRIS
One after the other.

ANGELIQUE
(hits Chris)
You making fun of me???
(to Frau Knobloch)
I find JR in the internet chat room, and he is so
real man, like the real JR. Then I tell you, and you
write him behind my back.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I find him first, und you go behind my back!

ANGELIQUE
I was first!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Anyway, he was the one who wrote us both.
Perfect man. Like real JR.

ANGELIQUE
Perfect. You think he is JR?

CHRIS
You can’t believe you met the actor from “Dallas”
in a chat room.

FRAU KNOBLOCH AND ANGELIQUE
Pervert!

ANGELIQUE
We write each other about the evil world
government. They want to destroy love.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Oh, that again.

ANGELIQUE
JR understand me. I fall in love.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, me too.

ANGELIQUE
I want him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He’s mine. We settle this now. Piss competition.

ANGELIQUE
Piss competition?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You und me. The one who do the most piss und
not fall down win.

ANGELIQUE
I don’t do that with you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Afraid?

ANGELIQUE
(considers, nods)
I drink something first.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We drink the piss now.

ANGELIQUE
Drink the piss?
(to Chris)
Your idea?

Chris indicates no.

ANGELIQUE
(to Frau Knobloch)
You first ... Who’s piss?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
The waiter. Und Chris watch. No cheating.

ANGELIQUE
You know what piss means?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I speak good English!

ANGELIQUE
Piss means pinkeln.

Frau Knobloch hits Chris. Jutta enters.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He is sick. Sick!

JUTTA
Chris, come see my favorite castle.

Jutta grabs Chris’s arm, leads him away.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We ask JR which one he want.

ANGELIQUE
OK, but in person.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
We go to Texas?

ANGELIQUE
LA. He performs live show in LA.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Jutta live in LA.