Scene 10

INT. GERMAN RESTAURANT IN OUTDOOR COURTYARD - DAY
Frau Knobloch, Jutta and Chris eat at a table. Silence. Chris is still determined to make a good impression.

JUTTA
I love brunch.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Stupid Ami custom.

Jutta’s cell phone rings. She answers.

JUTTA
Bob, can’t you do anything alone???

Jutta leaves the table so fast Chris doesn’t get the chance to stop her. Awkward silence. Frau Knobloch tries.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You like beer, ja?

CHRIS
Yeah. German beer is so much better than that
American piss water.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Piss? What is piss?

Chris is shocked not only by his letting the word “piss” slip out but even more so that Frau Knobloch is now using it.

CHRIS
I mean beer. German beer’s better than American
beer.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Piss means beer? Hmmm ... Why taste German piss
better than Ami piss?

CHRIS
(exasperated)
Beer! It’s the German Beer Purity Laws. Amis use
too many preservatives.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Preservatives? What is preservatives?

CHRIS
Oh, I don't know that word in German. Must be
something like ... Präservativen?
  SUBTITLES
  ... Condoms

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Präservativen? Präservativen???
  SUBTITLES
  Condoms? Condoms???

Frau Knobloch looks around to see if anyone overheard.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(quietly)
Amis use too many?
CHRIS
(excited she understood)
Yes.

Chris nods gleefully.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
More than one? Ja?

CHRIS
A lot. All different kinds.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
At the same time? Ja?

CHRIS
Ja! Uhhh ... yes.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Why?

CHRIS
So it lasts longer.

Frau Knobloch gasps. Looks from other tables.

CHRIS
Amis don’t have the same purity laws as Germans,
so they can do whatever they want.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
OK, maybe people should not use too many, but --

CHRIS
Just what I’m talking about. Corporate America. They
convince you they’re not using Präservativen, but
when you turn your back, they stick it right in there.

The entire courtyard is suddenly silent, everyone watching.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I don’t want to know this!

Frau Knobloch gives a dirty look to a woman at the next table who is listening intently. She looks away.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
OK, I believe you. But what have Präservativen to
do with the taste of piss?

Frau Knobloch tries to calm herself by drinking coffee.

CHRIS
Amis put so many Präservativen in the beer, it ruins
the taste.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(choking on coffee)
WAS??? In the -- ??? Die Amis spinnen, but really spinnen.

CHRIS
Thank you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
How you remove the Präservativen when
you drink the piss?

CHRIS
You can’t.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Can’t you see them floating around in there?

Frau Knobloch sips coffee.

CHRIS
No, they’re very very small.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(spews coffee)
Very small?

CHRIS
I’ll bring you some American beer next time I’m in
town.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
No, I stay with German beer. Normal German beer.

Jutta enters in a good mood, putting away cell phone.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I really need a piss now.

JUTTA
Mutti!

Frau Knobloch leaves the table and approaches the waiter. Chris is proud he finally made a good impression.

CHRIS
I’ve really enjoyed meeting your mother. She’s a little
eccentric, but we made a genuine connection.

JUTTA
(surprised)
Wow, that’s a first.
(trying to cover surprise)
I mean, I knew you two would get along well.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(to waiter)
Die Polizei, bitte! Die Polizei!!!
  SUBTITLES
  The police, please! The police!!!